Denial

It's that time of year again: time to reflect on the past 365.25 days with a self-congratulatory and unforgivably optimistic article. Greendemon humbly presents said article as template and example which readers are free to use when writing their own articles. (Don't thank me; just mention my name in your prayers.)

[Cue wistful introduction]

Where have all those hours and days gone? It seems like only yesterday we celebrated NY2006. This year wrought changes in all our lives, unlike any of the previous years. Problems were encountered and solved, friends were made, and drink was drunk; in short, a great time was had by all. Of course, none of this was unexpected, since my horoscope did warn me that hard times and great rewards lay ahead (although I suspect "you will have a passionate encounter with a tall, dark man and become proficient in a wintersport" was an extensive typographical error).

[Cue no-brainer predictions]

Social and entertainment:
Michael Jackson will make the headlines in some way.

Bird Flu won't.

Sacha Baron-Cohen's latest movie ("Funkyzeit mit Brüno") will be greeted by the usual insightful laughter of cinema audiences everywhere.

The trend started by Brad&Angelina of adopting babies from 3d-world countries will dwindle and die even faster than said babies when returned to their native environs after the novelty wears off.

More actors will contribute to social discourse by delivering comment on and endorsing issues in their expert fields, for example politics, science, economy and fine art.

Science and technology:
Global climate change will make itself felt in its effects on the welfare of Western nations, where the situation will be lamented by the Left and stoically endured by the Right. A spate of new books and movies will appear ("Surf's Up","100 Ways To Pass The Time During The Blackout","Terraforming Earth: Invasion By Aliens") by authors anxious to contribute to the general well-being and informedness of their societies. The mainstream media will collaborate in this selfless effort to prepare the great unwashed masses for the hard times ahead.

In Third World countries crop failures and floods will be blamed by politicians on alternatively Colonialism, Neo-colonialism, angry ancestral spirits, neighbouring countries, or all of the aforementioned. The idea of forming of a federation of states along geographical lines and challenging the power of the First World corporations will be rightfully rejected as "selling out" and "unwise" by those in power.

HIV and super-TB will continue their rampage throughout the Third World, except in societies where people take daily doses of vitamins, fresh vegetables and the occasional post-coital shower (people who should know claim this works).

A cure for cancer will be discovered by a prominent pharmaceutical company. Since companies are people, and people are basically decent and loving deep down, the medicine will be supplied free of charge to anyone who asks nicely.

Politics and economy:
Putin will get more energy deals in the Caucasus and Balkans, providing impetus to the growing threat to the interests of the peace-loving peoples of the West by the emerging Neo-Soviet Empire. Neo-nazi groups will continue their activities throughout Russia, thus paying homage to the deeds of their ancestors at the Eastern Front in WWII.

Kim Jong Il will continue throwing zap signs at Japan and South Korea by way of further and more advanced ICBM tests. However, North Korea is unfavourably situated for policing actions, so nothing will happen.

China will continue its business of consolidating its interests in Africa, Latin America and the Far East in typical quiet and efficient fashion. I, for one, welcome our new Mandarin overlords.

GW Bush will continue his string of signing statements protecting his proud nation from the predations of freedom-hating camel-jockeys. He will even more amply demonstrate that people tend get the rulers they deserve, if not actually the ones they choose.

Saddam will return from death to haunt those who sold him the WMDs.

Microsoft will mess up with a patch release, causing significant compromise of security on the majority of systems running their latest product. The majority of MS product users won't wean themselves from the corporate teat, because MS is the Way and the Light (or at least sells itself like it is, which is all that really matters) .*

Linux will continue to be the domain of geeks and people who don't mind investing a bit more time and effort learning an OS to get much more functionality out of it, because its GUI and driver base still sucks compared to that of Windows XP. Ubuntu's market share will continue growing linearly, and Mark Shuttleworth will consider another trip on the vehicle of his namesake to boost investor confidence.

[Cue constructive resolutions]

This wouldn't be a real end-of-year article without some sensible and achievable personal resolutions:

1. I will cease coping with stress through pointless escape/feelgood activities (e.g. Lotto/TV/smoking/coffee).
2. I will pursue my career unceasingly while simultaneously keeping in mind how abstract our goals in life have become in the last century.
   
3. I will realize my self-worth and take pride in who I am; that is, "stop deluding myself about my relevance to anything at all, ever".
4. I will learn to better cope with death in all its appearances, and recognize it as part of the generational cycle.
5. I will admit to myself why I really need organized religion. One or more of the following would apply:
   • my randomized guilt
   • my inability to figure out and cope with life by myself
   • my happyclappy feelgood mass-hypnosis addiction
   • my Significant Other needs it
   • sociopolitical games within the soapbubble for fun and profit.
6. I will stop relying on mainstream media for information just because I'm too fucking lazy to do my own research.
7. I will not take refuge in suicide after honouring the abovementioned resolutions.
   

[Cue joyful season's greetings]

As you can see, not everything has to be bad news! Life is all about ignoring the eternally bad, denying the inconvenient, and enjoying the momentarily pleasant. Or, "When life violates you with a lemon, make lemonade!"

Happy New Year to everyone everywhere.


* Justttt-ify.